'The Real World: Brooklyn'? My Dreams Are Finally Coming True, In Bigger Than The Sound
Sweet, Sweet Validation, 'Real World'-Style
Greetings, hillbillies! I'm not sure how you're reading this week's edition of Bigger Than the Sound, given that most of you probably don't have, A) the Internet, or B) electricity in whatever soulless hamlet you're withering away in. But since you're here, let me ask you a question: How are you planning to spend your summer?
Wait, don't answer that. I'm sure that whatever you have on the horizon, it probably involves a factory or shooting at traffic signs or drinking by an inland body of water. Instead, let me go ahead and tell you how I'm gonna be spending my summer: chilling with the Rohypnol enthusiasts and aspiring models on "The Real World: Brooklyn."
That's right! In case you live in a cave (and who knows, maybe you do), news broke Tuesday that MTV is gonna set the 21st season (!) of the show in Brooklyn, the vibrant and diverse borough that I inhabit! Which means my neighborhood is officially the coolest place on the planet — a true destination! — and that I am completely validated. It's OK to be jealous. Really, it is!
Truth be told, MTV isn't divulging which section of Brooklyn it'll be stashing its seven strangers in, but I have a difficult time thinking it'll be anywhere but my current stomping grounds of Williamsburg, given that it's clearly the most vibrant and diverse 'hood of them all. (Of course, by "vibrant" I mean that most of the people who live there are unemployed and have facial hair, and by "diverse" I mean that we have several Thai-fusion restaurants.) Not to mention the fact that we have lots of glass-and-steel condominiums going up every day ... and that they start in the low $700s. Clearly, this is a place people want to be.
So again, it's OK to be jealous. The ever-accurate cultural barometer that is Bunim/Murray Productions has bestowed official "cool" status upon my neighborhood — joining the ranks of metropoli like Paris, London, Miami and, uh, Denver — and just because I live someplace cooler than you (and, by extension, am cooler than you) doesn't mean that you have to hate me. Though it'll probably make things easier.
And while my fellow Brooklynites have already begun the predictable whining that "The Real World" will somehow ruin the "character and charm" of the borough (something I find rather hilarious, considering that, uh, dudes, you sorta already did that by moving here from, like, Ohio), I, for one, can't wait for the nights when I'll be kept awake until 5 a.m. while two housemates (let's say the "muscly Aberzombie/ alcoholic sociopath" and the "underfed, oversensitive model with daddy issues") get into a heated shouting match beneath my bedroom window. Or, like, when the whole cast goes to check out a band (probably a really happening "local" act like MGMT) at whatever Northsix is called now, or eat dinner at Sweetwater Tavern, or buy groceries at Tops, or get brunch at Enid's, and they're accompanied by an army of Handycams and boom mics? Hey, I'm OK with that. After all, that's just the price I gotta pay for coolness.
To be honest, I haven't watched "The Real World" in more than five years, ever since the watershed "Las Vegas" season, when producers stopped trying to pretend the series had any social significance and just cast a bunch of horny, ready-to-party train wrecks (not surprisingly, this was the first season in which "the hot tub" became an important member of the cast). Nor do I have anything in common with anyone on the current cast — I actually think they're all pretty awful people, especially the unholy triumvirate of Kimberly, Sarah and Joey. But I've always envied any city that was lucky enough to play host to "The Real World," primarily because it was sort of like landing the Coolness Olympics or something.
I never could understand why residents of Chicago's Wicker Park tried to sabotage production of the show back in 2001, or why people in the Old City section of Philly blew a gasket when "The Real World" started filming there in 2004. To me, those people should've considered themselves honored that Bunim/Murray selected their city as an "RW" location. It meant that they lived in the most awesome place on Earth. I remember growing up in Orlando and hearing rumblings that my city might play host to a season of the show back in 1996. Needless to say, I somehow felt that my entire existence was somehow being validated, that I was living somewhere cool enough to be on MTV! (Dude, I was, like, 17 at the time — what do you want from me?)
So now, more than a decade later, I am finally getting my wish. "The Real World" is coming to my 'hood. And gentrification be damned, I can't wait. The show might not have the same cultural clout it did when I was growing up (if it has any), but on some level, I still feel validated that it's here. It's not as if Brooklyn is "the real world" anyway — though most who live here tend to think it is — and if the show's presence will help piss off the holier-than-thou kids who haunt Bedford Avenue, well, then I welcome the show even more. And plus, in 10 to 15 years, I'll be able to show my kids the episodes and be like, "You see how dumb things were where Mommy and Daddy lived?"
It'll be great.
So yay, "Real World" castmembers! Welcome to my humble 'hood. Please feel free to ruin my favorite record store or punch me in the face at a bar. Be sure to pop your collars proudly and pull your skirts up with aplomb! Brooklyn will probably never be the same, but hey, it hasn't been the same in, like, a decade, so who gives a sh--? And to all my friends living in different corners of the globe: I've finally made it! And no, you can't sleep on my couch this summer. You'll just have to wait until the producers of "The Real World" decide to come to your lousy, two-bit town. Psssh, like that would ever happen. Losers.
5ive Style
Slightly Less Than A Half-Dozen Of My Favorite Things On The Internet This Week, So Named For A Post-Rock Group That No One Probably Remembers.
1. The Constantines' "Hard Feelings" Video: The sound of sweat stains on blue collars, cigarette burns on carpets and empty Labatts on the floorboards, and that's just Bry Webb's growl. The Cons are getting too old for this sh--, only it's not clear whether they want to bemoan that fact or celebrate it. So on "Hard Feelings," they do both. The air-raid organ sounds like a factory whistle, and the pelvis-adjusting guitars recall a beery Saturday night. Or, as a MySpace commenter astutely puts it, "It's like a Godzilla movie, except instead of destroying the city, you just rock." Totally.
2. Heidi and Spencer's Mother's Day Bonanza: Is there a White Guy Hall of Fame yet? And if so, why isn't Spencer Pratt in it? If the "Heidi-and-Spencer's-Patriotic-Makeout" photos were his 500 home runs, consider this latest batch his 3,000th career hit. Kid's a mortal lock at this point.
3. Random Awesome-Yet-Inexplicable Photos That Pop Up When You Google "Mt. Lushmore": Perhaps more inexplicable than why you were Googling "Mt. Lushmore" in the first place.
4. Steve Novick for U.S. Senate: He is 4-foot-9. He has a commercial in which he opens a beer with his hook hand. He sells "Left Hook Lager" and "Hooked on Novick" T-shirts through his official site. He is endorsed by a who's who of indie rockers, including Chris Walla and Britt Daniel (oh, and Stone Gossard too). Oregonians, we trust we can rely on your vote.
5. The Best "Hills" Parody Ever: It really is. Make sure you stick around until the very end. Trust me.
Questions? Concerns? Jealous hillbilly e-mails? Send 'em to me at BTTS@MTVStaff.com.
See Also
- Scarlet Johansson’s On-screen Kiss With Penelope Cruz
- Hugh Hefner eyeing Miley Cyrus
- Kristin Chenoweth lured to “Temptation”
